Whenever a child is born, so is a dad

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Almost 20 years ago, I was sitting on a terrace in Merano, Italy, having coffee with some work colleagues. One of them asked me if I would like to have kids. I said I assumed I would have some but I couldn’t imagine myself being a father.

One by one, the men around the table started talking about how they felt before they had kids. One of them, Bart, told us how he became so worried at his lack of feelings for his unborn child that he went to see a counsellor about it. He realised he was a very bad person and was hoping that there were some insights or techniques that would help him find his lost humanity.

His counsellor, asked him how long it was until the baby was born and Bart told him 6 months. The counsellor said he should come back and see him in 7 months time, if he still felt the need to do so. Needless to say, he never went back.

We all had a good laugh about it and the conversation carried on until my good friend, Bram, who headed up the Netherlands office of our organisation, said something that has stuck with me ever since:

“Whenever a baby is born, so is a dad.”

No one is ready to be a dad until they actually are one. There isn’t a father on the planet who has never made a mistake and the longer you are a father the more you realise how clueless you were at the beginning.

And yet, most kids survive their parent’s incompetence and turn out pretty well - just in time to be the next generation of imperfect but willing parents.

One of the lessons I had to learn, early on was the need to silence my inner critic - that voice in your head that keeps reminding you of all the mistakes you have made and how much you have still got to learn. All dads struggle with this but if you keep listening to your inner critic, it will shut you down and then both you and your kids will miss out.

Just remind yourself that being a dad is a lifestyle - not an exam. There is no requirement for you to be perfect and every mistake you make is an opportunity to learn and grow. Kids instinctively want to be fathered and their resilience and tenacity will get you through the rough patches.

They just need you to never give up and never hold back.