How do you know you are being a good dad?
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As men, we are used to our performance being measured and evaluated in minute detail. Our work lives are often dominated by KPI’s, Goals, Objectives, Must-Win-Battles etc. However, when it comes to our most important task in life - being a good father to our kids - there don’t seem to be any clear rules and it is very hard to measure success in any meaningful way.
I was talking about this with some friends, a while back, and one of them said he would judge how well he had done as a father based on the quality of the old people’s home his kids put him into when he could no longer look after himself. He meant it as a joke but his answer hinted at the question that almost all fathers ask themselves:
“How do I know I am being a good dad?”
I think being a good dad is mostly about following your instincts and learning by doing. However, the multiple demands on our time make it all too easy for our kids to slide down the priority list if we are not careful. This is especially true at the beginning of our journey as a “deliberate” dad, when our old ways of working are still driving most of our behaviour.
Measuring and tracking a few key fathering behaviours is a great way to hold ourselves accountable and keep us focussed until they become our natural way of thinking and behaving. It might feel a bit forced at first but, as an old boss of mine once said:
“People will put up with a lot of clunky behaviour if they believe your intentions are good.”
Out of all the crucial elements of being a great dad, the one that stands far out in front of all the others is the amount of your time you give your kids.
Give them your time
Time is the most valuable commodity we have got. Children seem to sense this instinctively which is why the amount of our time we give them has such a powerful effect on their sense of self-worth.
My two girls were just toddlers when their mum and I divorced so, in those early years, it was the quantity of my time I gave them, and the regularity with which I did that, that mattered the most.
I promised to talk to them every second day and spend every third weekend and half the holidays with them, no matter where in the world my work took me, and we have stuck to that routine for 14 years so far.
Talking about those early years, with my daughters, they say the predicability of my contact with them was really important. It wove me into their day-to-day routine and gave them a regular opportunity to tell me what they had been doing. This built a momentum of conversation and relationship that has formed the bedrock of the fantastic connection we now have.
Because they were so young, it would be hard to describe those early phone calls and FaceTime sessions as “quality time” to be honest.
My youngest was barely talking at that stage but the sound of my voice was important to her. My eldest was more fluent but even she would just wander off part way through the conversation sometimes. But still, it was incredibly important to both of them that I cared and that I wanted to be involved with them.
As they have grown older, quality of time has become more important than quantity. Any time together is better than being apart, of course, but it is the time we spend doing things together; when what I am doing is a response to what they are doing, or vice versa, when the real relationship building happens.
Playing games together, walking together, travelling together, having adventures together and most of all talking together have been the key to our success. We have done all those things for their own sake, because they are fun but, in the background, love, connection and a sense of family have been steadily growing. It is a slow and almost invisible process but, looking back after so many years, it is incredible to see how far we have come.
We will talk about some of the other key fathering behaviours in future blogs but, for now, if you want a quick snapshot of how well you are doing as a dad, just ask yourself: